The Story of Beautiful Princess and Tom Hiddleston.
Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess locked away in a dragon guarded tower because her parents are dead and her stepmother was a jealous bitch.
(These being the requirements when you sign up to become a beautiful princess, your parents are killed on the spot and you are handed over to an preassigned evil stepmother. Otherwise you become a so-so princess AND WHO THE FUCK WANTS THAT SHIT?)
One day, while the princess was sighing wistfully at the window and a couple of talking birds were braiding her hair when Tom Hiddleston sauntered up to the tower.
"Fair maiden, why are you sighing wistfully in that tower? Shouldn’t you be dead from childbirth related complications? I mean, you look like you’re fourteen already…" He shouted up to her.
"Ooh damn gurl, he is fiiiiiine.” One of the birds chirped in her ear.
"Oh my god! He spoke to you! It must be true love!” The other chirped.
And it was. The princess felt like her heart might burst from the sudden case of true love she was feeling. “Your voice sounds like melting butter!” She yelled back to him before falling to the floor from the blood rushing away from her head.
"Never fear my love! I shall free you from this tower!" He found the door and ran inside, quickly slaying the dragon with his piercing gaze. He ran up the stairs until reached the top, finding the door to the princesses room was being guarded by the evil stepmother.
"That bird was right, you are damn fine," said the evil stepmother.
"Move aside, stereotypical representation of an evil stepmother! I have a true love to save and marry."
"Forget about her, Tom Hiddleston. How ‘bout someone with a little experience if you know what I mean…” The evil stepmother wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.
"I don’t have time for this shit." The prince said as he lifted the hem of his tunic, the light of the sun glancing off his gigantic leather-clad bulge and blinding the evil stepmother. He stepped over her writhing body a swung the door open, scooping up the dazed princess and taking her from the tower.
Soon after that, they were married.
And then it was revealed that Tom was actually handsome wolf.
He ate the princess but he said “Ehehehe, oops guess I was hungry. Sorry!” and everyone lived happily ever after.